Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
