my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
