just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
