I wish life had little blips of pornography
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
