mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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