those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
