Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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