you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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