I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
