my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
