He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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