Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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