An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
