I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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