Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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