no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
