She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
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Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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