i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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