she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
