I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
