he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
