you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
