How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
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HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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