He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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