So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
