Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
