You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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