I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
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the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
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so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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