Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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