Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
