Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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