I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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