My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
