so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
