Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
