If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
