Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
