I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
