someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
