The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
