I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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