Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
