i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
