fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
