One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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