Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
