So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
