i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
