she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
