he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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