Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
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He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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