i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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