the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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