The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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