he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
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Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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