I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
