I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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