The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
