I met the friendliest cop last night
she looked like the before picture.
you traded sex for a burrito?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
