meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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