Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
