Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
porn star boner night. come get it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
