At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
