I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
