and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
