They should really pass out barf bags in church
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
